If there were an exhibit at the museum of my life, perhaps it would include a series of coats. Being as I currently own only two coats and neither of them fit well, perhaps more description is needed.
I recently had the privilege of sitting in as my college children shared with each other all the different groups they have been involved with this semester. Being quite honest, they were surprised by my lack of shock in their “belonging” to some of the groups. I will admit, as a more veteran mom, I’m more apt to ponder first and speak later. I’d like to also be humble enough to remember my own years as I grew into an adult. Mercy is needed for us all!
I explained to them as we sat and shared hearts that they will try on many “coats” while they are stepping and stumbling into adulthood. Some will fit and others will not.
My definition of a “coat” is the figurative attempt at belonging to a group, a stepping into the group, seeing how I fit. Do my beliefs align with theirs? Does this group make me feel happy? Am I better being part of this group than not? All these things help me determine if I want to keep “wearing this coat.”
As I shared these metaphors with my kids, they nodded understandingly. I explained that I was not saying the groups they were part of (that might have been on the edge of my comfortable zone as a 47-year-old mother) were wrong or a phase but rather that I recognized what they were doing. They were trying on a coat. I asked them to think about how it felt. Was it comfortable? How did it feel? I told them to keep watch to see if they grew out of it or if it grew with them.
As a college freshman, I tried on the college athlete coat. I trained and traveled and was part of the team. But I never felt that I could be myself. So, I took that coat off and tried on so very many other coats. Ones I’m proud of and ones that I wonder what I was thinking! But each one formed me.
As a new mother, I remember joining many mothers’ groups. For one, we took walks together. For another, we were all expected to have little at-home parties selling cooking supplies or jewelry. Those coats didn’t fit me either.
Eventually, I found some mothers’ groups that aligned with the goals I had for myself as a mom. The women were supportive. The group was child focused, and members were supportive. I grew and helped others grow into the mother they wanted to be. So, I wore that coat for a while and it felt so very comfortable. It was a good season.
We finished off the discussion with my explaining that even within my Catholic faith, I have tried on many, many coats. I tried to be very orthodox, and that coat didn’t fit me as well as I thought. Then I was going to be very charismatic, and while I love to sing and praise the Lord, that coat was not the exact fit either. Turns out that right now, I don’t have a coat that fits and I’m OK with that. Perhaps the Lord is forming one just for me as I go along.
Here's the message I think is important to share with our kids without judgment. You will try new things as you go along your journey. Discern wisely. We all know what it’s like to try on a piece of clothing you really want to fit and get stuck. It hurts to get out of it. But life is full of mercy and new beginnings. Building relationships with our children is so very important.
May we have the courage to share our story humbly and honestly with our children in a way that builds trust. I’m grateful for the exchange policy life offers with all these coats. As you can see, my closet would be quite full, but so too is my heart with the wisdom learned.
