What to do with cremation ashes

Dear Father,

My husband of 57 years passed away some years ago. I have his cremated ashes stored in an urn which I keep in our bedroom near a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I made plans to be cremated and have our ashes mixed together and sprinkled in our Catskill Mountains getaway. My children are upset with me because they want our ashes divided up among them so they each have a part of us in their homes. Am I being selfish to say no to them?

-B.T.

Dear B.T.,

What a dilemma! Who would have thought that we could come to the day when Catholics are mixing cremains (the ashes and bits of bones resulting from cremation) and spreading them around.

The real dilemma here is not to decide who gets whose ashes but how to explain to all of you that this is not the burning issue that you make it out to be.

There are several reasons people give for wanting to be cremated: economic concerns (cremation can be less expensive than traditional burials), environmental concerns (wanting to be “green”), and even fear of being buried alive in a box.

But what about the Catholic perspective concerning our dead bodies? Being Catholic makes a difference with what we do with our bodies both in life and in death. Our bodies are made temples of the Holy Spirit when we are baptized. Just as we treat our bodies, and those of all others, with care and respect while we are alive, so too we care for our bodies in death.

That’s why our U.S. bishops teach: “although cremation is now permitted … it does not enjoy the same value as burial of the body.” The preference, the bishops urge, is that “the body of the deceased be present for the funeral rites, since the presence of the human body better expresses the values” which the funeral rites affirm. Furthermore, pastors and all who catechize those of any age should “make particular efforts to preserve this important teaching.”

Until 1963, the Church forbade cremation because it was often used by those who deny the resurrection of the body from the dead. 

I can only wonder if you, dear B.T., have forgotten that Christ died for you, body and soul, and rose from the dead so that you, too, might rise from the dead on the last day. I say this because you seem more worried about what appears to be a pagan practice of mixing your cremains with your husband’s and then sprinkling them in a place you idealized. This is not the way to honor a temple of the Holy Spirit.

The bishops are firm on this point: “The practice of scattering cremated remains on the sea, from the air, or on the ground, or keeping cremated remains in the home of a relative or friend of the deceased are not the reverent disposition that the Church requires.” 

When a Catholic makes use of the permission to be cremated, the remains are to be placed in a worthy vessel and cared for much as one would care for the dead body. The vessel containing the cremated remains must be buried in a grave or placed in a mausoleum or columbarium (a place where cremains are interred). 

If one chooses cremation, without any prejudice to our Catholic belief in the sacredness of the human body and its future resurrection from the dead, here’s what is to be done.

The cremation takes place after the funeral prayers and Mass with the deceased body. In this way, the wake or Vigil for the Deceased and other prayers, such as the Rosary, can be held the day before the funeral. Then, after the cremation, the remains are committed to the cemetery or columbarium with the Church’s Rite of Committal. 

The Holy See tolerates the possibility of a funeral Mass with the cremains present, but it is the prerogative of each diocesan bishop to judge whether he will allow the practice in his diocese. If he does, then every care is to be taken that Catholic funeral rites are observed with all decorum.

Your question, B.T., about whether you are being selfish with your children, I hope you see now, doesn’t make sense. No one, your children, or you, has the right to do whatever you want with your body (in spite of our degraded culture which says we have total freedom over our bodies). Your body is not your own. As with our whole earth, everything belongs to God. We are the caretakers.

Since you asked for my counsel, here it is: Take your husband’s cremated remains to the Catholic cemetery. I hope you had a funeral Mass for him, but if you didn’t then have one celebrated. Have other Masses offered for the repose of his soul. Then make plans for your own funeral. If you insist on cremation, then make arrangements for your cremains to be interred next to your husband’s at the Catholic cemetery. And tell your children about your new wishes. It’s time to teach them anew about life and death.

P.S.: I love the Catskills, too!