Welcome, fall! This is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it, from the cooler days and nights to leaves beginning their color extravaganza to football games on TV each weekend. I think it is because fall undeniably marks the passage of time – summer is over, winter is coming and “there is a season for every activity under the heavens.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
The first time the outdoor temperature reaches only 75 degrees is reason enough to celebrate surviving another long, hot summer in the Ohio Reformatory for Women (ORW).
It’s ironic because summer used to be my favorite season. I have a treasure-trove of good memories – camping and going on vacation with my family, traipsing around the mall or movie theater complex with my best friend or reading a book in our air-conditioned family room when it was too hot out to do anything else.
Prison, by definition, eliminates all of those options. There is no vacation, mall or other escape from the relentless heat and humidity. Most of the housing units are concrete blocks encased in dark-red brick, which means they fire up like ovens in the summer sun.
The rabid heat inside raises our misery index to the max and causes the devil to run amok. Tempers flare, and fights happen all the time. Finding peace is difficult, but I remain thankful for the 8-inch plastic fans I strategically place in my cell that push the air around. Prisoners are probably the only people who pray for cloudy days and rain – both of which bring temporary respite.
Don’t get me wrong. I have plenty of reasons to enjoy summer because I travel vicariously through family and friends for three months. The miracle of modern technology (i.e., the cellphone) makes this happen.
Although I’ve never used or even held a cellphone, I’ve been on the receiving end of their amazing functions. I’ve been included in family reunions and vacations, walks along the beach and even a concert! I listened to my niece’s nursing school graduation, saw some fireworks on the Fourth of July from the middle of Indian Lake and tagged along on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico.
I never forget how blessed I am because my family and friends include me in special activities all summer. They use their phones to send pictures and short videos of summer events I would otherwise miss.
On the flip side, though, it is painfully obvious to everybody that I am not physically there. Sometimes the “one foot in prison, one foot out with you” existence becomes bittersweet. As much as I value phone calls, pictures and videos, the prison phone disconnects automatically after 30 minutes, the videos are only 30-seconds long and the reality of my almost 30-year absence smacks me (and everyone else) in the face.
I inevitably find myself in two opposite camps for a while. First is Camp RejoiceAndGratitude for having the chance to be part of those activities. Second is Camp RemorseAndGuilt where I’m reminded that my own detrimental decisions caused this pain. I acknowledge each camp for what it is and ask God to help me keep my emotions balanced as I work through them. It can be hard to catch my breath at times.
When fall rolls around, though, I feel like I can breathe deeply again. It is so rejuvenating! The first cooler night brings the promise of relief, and “joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5) becomes my mantra.
On weekends, after an early morning run on the track, my favorite thing to do is take a cup of coffee back outside to walk with my friends in the slightly chillier air – it really revs up the gratitude attitude! And, this might seem silly, but I get excited with the first televised football games because the season begins with fans in the stadiums wearing T-shirts and ends with them wearing parkas. I love transition, which lasts the entirety of fall.
This year, the most noticeable changes to ORW came when the morning glories climbing my housing unit took just a tad longer to open because the sun came up just a tad later. Yet, their beautiful purple colors seemed more vibrant, as if they had gotten a second burst of energy midmorning.
Looking out my window, beyond the double razor-wire fence, there is a big field where I watch deer playing in the cooler evenings. There is one tree along the back boundary that changes color from green to yellow-orange first. It’s always the same one – I’ve watched it for years – and have deemed it my personal wink and smile from God.
A friend sent me a quote by Catholic author Matthew Kelly: “Your whole life, whether you flourish or not, whether you’re happy or miserable – it all depends on the moment right in front of you and what you do with it.”
I appreciate that quote and have come to realize that staying in the moment, whatever season it might be, truly is important because it will come around only once. Some moments are good, and some are not, but that is life, no matter where we live.
I strive to remain thankful for the blessings I have and especially for the fall season!
Michele Williams is an inmate at the Ohio Reformatory for Women.
