Editor’s note: The following meditations on the Stations of the Cross were originally published in April 2020 after the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns began. The meditations proved to be popular with readers, and so they are being reprinted with several revisions. The hope is that these reflections will help readers enter more deeply into the sufferings of Christ while remembering to pray especially for the incarcerated and anyone struggling.
First Station: Jesus is condemned to death
No matter what the sentence when the judge declares it, life as you know it is gone. Whether it is two years, five to 25 years or 15 to life, it feels like death. Your ears ring, your vision gets blurry and your gut churns fire throughout your body. The voices of accusation and words of shame swirl in your mind. The brave face you wore cracks, and reality hits you like a wrecking ball. You are going to prison.
Second Station: Jesus carries his cross
I am quite strong-willed, but the weights of responsibility, unforgiveness and remorse make for a mighty heavy cross. Some days, it just crushes me, and the burden is too much to bear. Other days, Jesus Himself reminds me that He is here and gives me strength. My actions built this cross, and there is no going back, only forward, one step at a time. It is mine to carry however long it takes to get to the end.
Third Station: Jesus falls the first time
My first fall was when I lost my job in prison as business office clerk. I’d worked there a year and a half – my first job out of prison admissions – and what a blessing it had been! It was a gift straight from God to reassure me of His presence here. I processed the accounts payable, and the staff made me feel like a real person instead of an inmate in their office. Then a change in administration brought the end of inmate clerks in sensitive areas. I was reassigned to clerk in the food warehouse, which was in the basement of the kitchen, complete with rats.
Fourth Station: Jesus meets his mother
The first time my parents visited me was June 1994. I had been in admissions for four weeks and was overwhelmed with what prison life was going to be like. At the table in the visiting hall, Dad sat on my left and held my hand; Mom sat on my right and held my other hand. A Diet Pepsi sat in front of me, slowly sweating and warming in the summer heat. I couldn’t drink it because I wouldn’t let go of either parent to pick up the can. I was flat-out terrified.
Fifth Station: Simon of Cyrene helps to carry the cross
Incarceration is relentless and emotionally exhausting even for the most determined. My family helps carry this cross by unconditionally loving, honestly sharing and, more often than they realize, being stronger than me. They have carried the stigma of “my daughter/sister/niece/aunt is in prison” for years with courage and grace. They got pulled into this mess when no one saw it coming but have never given up. They still let me rest my head on their shoulder and draw from their strength when I am weak.
Sixth Station: Veronica wipes the face of Jesus
The Veronicas in my life have visited, accepted phone calls, exchanged letters and emails. They have supported me from far and near. They have wiped my tears and reassured me they’re with me for the long haul and I am not alone. It is not easy to maintain relationships from here because of the very restrictive nature of prison. But they accept the restrictions and rules to continually show their support and love. God bless all my Veronicas.
Seventh Station: Jesus falls the second time
Being transferred back to the Ohio Reformatory for Women from Franklin Medical Center in 2017 was my second fall. I felt like I wasn’t needed or useful anymore and was deeply depressed at being back where I started. Everything was the same, yet radically different, and the changes left me bewildered for months. I was at a complete loss and didn’t know what to do next. By God’s mercy, my old friends were still here, so they welcomed me with open arms and helped me find my footing.
Eighth Station: Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
These are fellow survivors of domestic violence I’ve met and connected with over the years. We went from victim to survivor to inmate. We share the tragedy, shame and guilt together. We also share the heartbreak of lives, futures and families torn apart. We understand one another better than people in America ever will because of the experiences we endured before ending up in prison.
Ninth Station: Jesus falls the third time
My fourth parole hearing in December 2021 was my third fall. The hope and belief for freedom were real and contagious! I was more prepared for this hearing than I’d ever been and had an army of supporters behind me. That made the denial all the more incomprehensible and devastating. Not only did I hurt for me, but I hurt for everyone else who believed it would happen this time. I fell inexplicably short again and wanted to stay sprawled in the dirt forever. However, just as Jesus did, I got up again and carried on.
10th Station: Jesus is stripped of his garments
Every woman goes through the same degrading intake process in admissions. Your dignity and self-worth sink to a new low as your clothes and belongings are taken away. You are issued a uniform and a number. Your identity is forever changed, and you belong to the state. God seems far, far away.
11th Station: Jesus is nailed to the cross
I picture all the hopes and dreams I had for a different life. These are in Jesus’ hands as they are nailed to the cross. Each one pierced through and ruined, never to come to pass. I am held captive to a life I never planned, so now what? Surrendering to God’s plan often seems impossible, but I must trust it. There is no other way for me.
12th Station: Jesus dies on the cross
This is the ultimate act of forgiveness and love, without which I wouldn’t want to live. Jesus loved even me enough to die on the cross. He loves every man and woman in prison and forgives us even when society won’t. Forgiving and loving ourselves is another matter, and the internal battle rages on.
13th Station: Jesus is taken down from the cross
From the courtroom to the county jail to prison itself the process took a week, but I remember none of it. I was still traumatized and devastated by the tragic, terrible events that had taken place. I was so numb I felt like the walking dead. My heart may as well have stopped beating because I didn’t feel it anymore. I was all alone, abandoned by God, my mind reeling and my faith in shreds.
14th Station: Jesus is laid in the tomb
My entire incarceration is like being in the tomb. Jesus knew He was getting out in three days. I don’t know when I will. He promised new life, so I’m putting my trust in that promise, no matter how long it takes. This time is all about waiting and transforming myself into a better version, one worthy of being in the world again. But it is also a time of working on my relationship with Jesus and getting to know, love and serve Him better every day.
Easter Sunday: Jesus rises from the dead
This will be the day I am released from prison. Everything, including my life, will be new, and I will be ready to experience it all! First stop: church, to give thanks for the miracle and gift of freedom for me and my family.
Michele Williams is an inmate at the Ohio Reformatory for Women in Marysville.
